I just wanted a glass of water not the truth at 5 in the morning. But obviously that wasn't true when I saw his journal peeking out of the bag on the floor next to the front door. It was not right of me to read it but I was sick of the nagging feelings in my gut. Things were already so fucked up between us and horrible atrocities what more could there really be to learn. Times had been kind of nice lately and I told myself I was looking to see something nice written about me.
In black ink on white paper the words jumped out of the last entry like syringes filled with liquid shock and anxiety mixture piercing my skin and injecting me into nausea. Ironic I use medical terms to describe my disgust but I'll get to that in a minute. Words like "another visit, new technique, enormous tits, pound that pussy" made my eyes being to vibrate. That fucking whore, that fucking whore was all I could think with my mouth open and hands to my lips. Of all the people he could stick his prick in, it had to be the one female friend I had been confiding in for the last 8 years since moving to this cesspool of immaturity and insecurity. (Yes, I am talking about Los Angeles.)
The entry had been dated 12/8 noting the latest encounter had taken place a week ago. Which meant Thanksgiving. The one where my Mom flew in, his parents and our friends all broke bread. All except this cunt. I had been distrustful of her in the past but my stupid ass always likes to believe people make mistakes, learn from them and grow to be a better person that doesn't repeat those errors. Or at least recognizes them right away and tries to correct in the moment. Shit I have made a 1000 mistakes, blunders, dumb remarks and I am sure I'll make a 1000 more but I try to learn and modify so the next faux pas isn't so destructive. Therefore, I remained her friend through the lies, inconsistencies and pain inflected. For that I take my shame in not listening to my instinct that she was a bad person at the core.
10/21/09
I had always planned to come back to this one day and finish this entry but I choose to stop writing here although I could go on for days... but what's the point. It gives power to a horrible time, disgusting people to which I have since moved on... oh and for anyone that was curious about the syringe remark, the whore is a doctor. And she is a whore but something I recently realized, when she's all done being rode hard and put away wet, is what will she have in her world to be proud of? Being a sloppy second her whole life, (this wasn't her first time with these shenanigans, other pals have come forth with similar stories) no kids that love her and no friends. I hope she does become a better person but I can't say I think she will. I know too much about her mental defects to think she can ever change or even learn how to, too far gone. Farewell, good luck and God Bless your sad soul.
As for La Douche, I have to have a relationship of civility because I will know him the rest of my life. We have a child together and without a doubt she is the best gift he every gave me, the only one that matters so I forgive myself for loving someone so thoughtless.
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